Making Marriages Work

7 Principles for Making Marriages Work

John Gottman, a leading researcher in marriage and parenting, and his co-author Nan Silver wrote a book called The Seven Principles for Making Marriages Work. Their list of seven principles can be summarized as:

Maintain a detailed map of your partner's inner and outer world by keeping current and up-to-date with their regular routines (daily/weekly/monthly), friends, enemies, hopes, desires, likes, dislikes, fears, enemies, challenges, stresses, deadlines, etc.

Continuously nurture fondness and admiration through your attitudes, actions and behavior. Frequently remind yourself of your partner's positive qualities, openly express these to others, and regularly compliment them for these qualities. Constantly be affectionate in little ways, especially those that you know are appreciated or enjoyed by your partner.

Turn towards one another instead of away, especially when your partner appears to want time, attention, affection, or support from you. Use humor and respect to connect with one another and do the little everyday things that touch and acknowledge one another.

Let your partner influence you by seeking common ground rather than on insisting things be done your way. Allow yourself to be "won over" by your partner's desires or wants, especially on things you can easily give on. Avoid belligerence and violence as these signal you cannot or will not be influenced.

Solve solvable problems quickly and readily before they fester into bigger issues.

Communicate and discuss perceived unsolvable problems rather than becoming gridlocked over these. Walking away from or not discussing these problems adds another problem to the situation ─ the fact that you are not communicating!

Create a shared meaning of life through discussions and create rituals, stories and symbols that build and express this shared meaning for the two of you.

Before you pick any of these principles and put them to work for you, we highly recommend you read The Seven Principles for Making Marriages Work.  Then, give all seven of these principles a try. 

In our next blog post we will share some tips on how to overcome some of the communications problems that typically plague relationships. 

This article is partially excerpted from our top-ranked personal development book Project You: Living A Determined Life, which is available in Kindle and paperback formats at Amazon.