Creating Authentic Interpersonal Relationships

Authentic Values and Qualities Create True Friendships 

It is natural to want others to like us; to find us enchanting, likable, friendly, attractive, engaging, personable, worthwhile, approachable, and dozens of other positive descriptors. 

Except for those who dwell within the Self Actualization segment in the Maslow Hierarchy of Needs, everyone wants people to like them, even those who say they don't care what people think about them.

In fact, it is natural to care about what others think about you. It is also natural to have a desire to be respected, appreciated, loved, wanted, and viewed positively. Social scientists say that interactions with others are a vital component of our sense of self esteem, overall happiness, and even feelings of well being. 

Likewise, when we experience rejection, hear that someone has been bad mouthing us, or find out that someone does not like us our levels of self esteem, happiness and well being are negatively affected. It is not unusual for personal rejection to cause momentary bouts of deep pain, emotional outbursts and even intense sadness.

Being accepted by others is one of the key rungs on Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs pyramid. So to say that this is an important facet of our human journey is a bit of an understatement. 

Unfortunately, most of us put up false fronts and use a myriad of disguises in vain attempts to attract others to us, or for us to get invited into desired circles and groups. These attempts at trying to make others like us, even when it means sacrificing part of our persona or authenticity, is nothing more than a game of masks and false identities. It is also a futile endeavor, especially over the long haul of one's life journey.

It is probably due to the falsity of the approaches used by everyone playing this game that most non-family friendships and relationships throughout one's life are temporary and impermanent. Very few relationships and friendships can withstand the scrutiny of reality when the masks and false fronts are removed, and the true and authentic selves emerge over time. It is little wonder that the label "false friend" is readily applied when friendships and relationships end in acrimonious, bitter and spiteful fashion.

The secret to creating authentic relationships is to know, understand, respect, and love yourself. 

Once you are authentic with yourself, you can be authentic with others. Authentic people do not judge themselves or others, but rather seek authenticity in others and base their relationships on the type and level of authenticity found.

Being attractive to the kinds of people you want, desire, or need in your life means exuding your authenticity in every action taken (or not taken) and every word spoken (or not spoken).  

When others witness and experience your own authentic values and qualities, the ones you will attract into your life are more likely to be genuinely appreciative of your values and qualities. They are also more likely to be emotionally, mentally and spiritually in-tune with your emotional, mental and spiritual selves. 

This article is excerpted from our book Project You: Living A Determined Life, available at Amazon in Kindle and paperback formats. 

Reaching Your Full Potential

Leverage Your Desire to Become More and More of What You Are 

In the Project You philosophy, success is the on-going process of becoming better, of striving to become the best that you are truly capable of being, in whatever endeavors you choose. 

Project You people are always expanding themselves ── intellectually, spiritually, emotionally, or even physically (at least health wise). Doing so rewards them with the authentic satisfaction and happiness they seek.

You will not find directional signs, helpful hint cards or a detailed map when you choose your path to success. The road to success is a progressive journey full of bumps, hurdles, helpful people, intermittent small victories, occasional spurts of unbridled happiness, unexpected setbacks, and other things both good and bad.

As you pass each milestone and marker along the way, and overcome the hurdles and obstacles placed before you, the journey becomes easier ── provided the lessons of experience are learned and followed.

In many ways, the journey to success correlates with Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs pyramid, which he developed as part of a paper on human motivation. People stop at the level they feel most comfortable with, which for most seems to be satisfying their need for love and belonging through friendships, family and sexual intimacy. A handful will progress to the higher level of self-esteem and having the respect of others. Only the very few proceed to the peak of his pyramid, which is known as the self-actualization level.

You will rise to the level at which you feel most comfortable, which is fine. This is not a competition and the pyramid structure does not define a finish line for everyone atop the peak. We all have different needs and thus reach our own authentic level of satisfaction based on the fulfillment of those personalized needs.

Maslow described self-actualization as "the desire to become more and more what one is, to become everything that one is capable of becoming." 

Thus, the person who wants to be an ideal parent is on par with one who wishes to be an exemplary teacher. Both will achieve self-actualization if they reach their full potential in their chosen aspirations. 

Do you have a desire to become more of what you are? Our 30-60-90 Day Personal Action plan may help:  http://www.livingadeterminedlife.com/personal-change-action-plan 

This article is excerpted from the top-selling personal and professional development book Project You: Living A Determined Life, available at Amazon in Kindle and paperback formats. 

Deeper Self Understanding -- Part Two

Greater Self Understanding Leads to Greater Self Esteem 

Here's some great advice from Louise Erdrich, a best-selling Native American author of novels, poetry and children's books, "Never rationalize anything that feels wrong." 

Or, as Mario Cuomo, a former governor of New York and Presidential candidate remarked, "Every time I've done something that doesn't feel right, it's ended up not being right."

Both Erdrich and Cuomo recognize and grasp the importance of self understanding, particularly in relation to decision making.

It is very tempting to do things that do not feel right, especially when no one else seems to be around watching. Remember, however, that your spirit is constantly watching you and will cause you grief when you do not live up to its (your!) standards. 

As Griffin Bell, a former U.S. Attorney General, advised, "Always err on the side of doing right. You and only you are responsible for your ethics."

Doing right by your own standards is the surest way to maintain self esteem. 

And despite what others will say, there is absolutely nothing wrong with having a hefty amount of self esteem, even when this gives rise to the side effect of an enlarged ego. 

Additionally, nothing you ever learn, know or have is worth learning, knowing or having unless you know how to be proud of yourself.

As Dr. Nathaniel Branden, a Canadian psychotherapist and writer known for his work in the psychology of self-esteem wrote, "Persons of high self-esteem are not driven to make themselves superior to others; they do not seek to prove their value by measuring themselves against a comparative standard. Their joy is being who they are, not in being better than someone else."

Or, to put it another way, as Nido Qubein has, "Winners compare their achievements with their goals, while losers compare their achievements with those of other people."

This is why self-actualization is at the peak of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs pyramid. 

This article is excerpted from the Amazon top-selling personal development book Project You: Living A Determined Life, available in paperback and Kindle formats.