Authentic Friendships

Good Friendships Are Fragile and Precious

For most people there are four main categories of relationships ── friends, lovers, family, and co-workers or those they partner with in commercial endeavors.

All of these relationships have one quality in common:

A meaningful and mutually satisfying relationship is not based on the length of the time spent together; but rather on the foundation built together by all parties involved.

As we will touch upon your relationships with lovers, family and co-workers in subsequent chapters, let us focus for now on the relationships with friends.

Friends stick with you through thick and thin – and you stick with them when they go through troubles and hard times. Friends respect the decisions of each other, even when they violently disagree with their choices. Most important, friends can be openly critical of each other without this impacting their friendships.

Here’s a good, detailed description of authentic friendship from author Stephen E. Ambrose in his novel Comrades: Brothers, Fathers, Heroes, Sons, Pals:

Friendship is different from all other relationships. Unlike acquaintanceship, it is based on love.  Unlike lovers and married couples, it is free of jealousy. Unlike children and parents, it knows neither criticism nor resentment.  Friendship has no status in law. Business partnerships are based on a contract.  So is marriage. Parents are bound by the law, as are children. But friendship is freely entered into, freely given, freely exercised.  Friends never cheat each other, or take advantage, or lie.  Friends do not spy on one another, yet they have no secrets.  Friends glory in each other's successes and are downcast by the failures. Friends minister to each other, nurse each other. Friends give to each other, worry about each other, stand always ready to help.  Perfect friendship is rarely achieved, but at its height, is an ecstasy.

The bonds of true friendship occur when there are no minute traces of jealousy between the parties in the relationship. When you can feel totally proud, happy and supportive of your friend’s success without feeling a single pang of jealousy or bitterness, that is when you will know true friendship abounds.

These words of advice from motivational speaker Tom Hopkins certainly ring true, “Surround yourself with people most like the person you want to become. Stay away from anyone who can or will bring you down.” 

As Buddha pointed out, “An insincere and evil friend is more to be feared than a wild beast; a wild beast may wound your body, but an evil friend will wound your mind.”

In order to attract good friends you need to be a good friend first to others and to yourself. You attract what you become and what you are. As English churchman and historian Thomas Fuller said, “Be a friend to thyself, and others will be so too.”

At the same time, you want to be the kind of friend who sticks by others when the going gets rough. And you want the same in others who befriend you. Or, in the words of Oprah Winfrey, “Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.”

Friendships are precious, and should be treated with care. As writer and thinker Randolph S. Bourne wrote, “Good friendships are fragile things and require as much care as any other fragile and precious thing.”

Benjamin Franklin had a simple and straight-forward philosophical approach to friendship, which he espoused in his classic book Poor Richard’s Almanac:

Be civil to all;
sociable to many;
familiar with few;
friend to one;
enemy to none.

This article is excerpted from our popular book Project You: Living A Determined Life, available at Amazon in paperback and Kindle formats. 

Creating Authentic Interpersonal Relationships

Authentic Values and Qualities Create True Friendships 

It is natural to want others to like us; to find us enchanting, likable, friendly, attractive, engaging, personable, worthwhile, approachable, and dozens of other positive descriptors. 

Except for those who dwell within the Self Actualization segment in the Maslow Hierarchy of Needs, everyone wants people to like them, even those who say they don't care what people think about them.

In fact, it is natural to care about what others think about you. It is also natural to have a desire to be respected, appreciated, loved, wanted, and viewed positively. Social scientists say that interactions with others are a vital component of our sense of self esteem, overall happiness, and even feelings of well being. 

Likewise, when we experience rejection, hear that someone has been bad mouthing us, or find out that someone does not like us our levels of self esteem, happiness and well being are negatively affected. It is not unusual for personal rejection to cause momentary bouts of deep pain, emotional outbursts and even intense sadness.

Being accepted by others is one of the key rungs on Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs pyramid. So to say that this is an important facet of our human journey is a bit of an understatement. 

Unfortunately, most of us put up false fronts and use a myriad of disguises in vain attempts to attract others to us, or for us to get invited into desired circles and groups. These attempts at trying to make others like us, even when it means sacrificing part of our persona or authenticity, is nothing more than a game of masks and false identities. It is also a futile endeavor, especially over the long haul of one's life journey.

It is probably due to the falsity of the approaches used by everyone playing this game that most non-family friendships and relationships throughout one's life are temporary and impermanent. Very few relationships and friendships can withstand the scrutiny of reality when the masks and false fronts are removed, and the true and authentic selves emerge over time. It is little wonder that the label "false friend" is readily applied when friendships and relationships end in acrimonious, bitter and spiteful fashion.

The secret to creating authentic relationships is to know, understand, respect, and love yourself. 

Once you are authentic with yourself, you can be authentic with others. Authentic people do not judge themselves or others, but rather seek authenticity in others and base their relationships on the type and level of authenticity found.

Being attractive to the kinds of people you want, desire, or need in your life means exuding your authenticity in every action taken (or not taken) and every word spoken (or not spoken).  

When others witness and experience your own authentic values and qualities, the ones you will attract into your life are more likely to be genuinely appreciative of your values and qualities. They are also more likely to be emotionally, mentally and spiritually in-tune with your emotional, mental and spiritual selves. 

This article is excerpted from our book Project You: Living A Determined Life, available at Amazon in Kindle and paperback formats.