Building Committed Marital Relationships

Making Intimate Relationships Work Through Commitment

One of the key factors in the creation of troubled families is a relationship breakdown between the parents.

People define "committed relationships" as those in which one's love and sexual desires are committed to only their partner. 

But there's another aspect of commitment that is often lacking in these relationships. And that is the commitment to commitment  ──  the commitment to try, to act, to overcome hurdles and blips encountered on the way, to remain in a true partnership no matter what.

Famous basketball player and coach Pat Riley is certainly on the mark with his observation that, "There are only two options regarding commitment. You're either IN or you're OUT. There's no such thing as life in between."

What Riley says about life and basketball is certainly true about committed intimate relationships and marital situations.

There are two components to commitment ── preparation and persistence.

Persistence is what frequently separates successful relationships from those that are not. 

According to Dale Carnegie, "Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." The same rings true for successful intimate relationships that last the long haul.

Too many people are ready and willing to discard their aims, desires, dreams, and even their purposes in life by casting everything overboard as the first signs of difficulty or misfortune manifest. They see obstacles and failures as defeats, or even worse as misinterpreted "signs" that things are not meant to be the way they had planned, hoped or dreamed. 

As the Japanese proverb goes: "Beginning is easy, continuing is hard." 

What steps are you making this week to commitment to being committed to your intimate or marital relationship?

This article is partially excerpted from our top-ranked personal development book Project You: Living A Determined Life, which is available in Kindle and paperback formats at Amazon. 

Overcoming Adversity

The Key to Overcoming Adversity is Persistence 

Adversity is a fact of life. It cannot be controlled or avoided. 

What we can control is how we react and respond to adversity.

Adversity, of course, can be a powerful positive in creating personal growth and development. As motivational author Mike Dooley notes:

When there is ease and simplicity in your life, it is because earlier you learned a lot.

When there is resistance and obstacles in your life, it is because there is even more to learn.

And learning more is pretty much the main reason everyone is still here. 

Life is so full of unwanted and unexpected twists and turns, ups and downs, that it often seems like we spend the majority of our time reacting and trying to prevent or manage these things. However, you cannot manage the unexpected, so the best strategy is to be prepared to handle these situations as they arise with confidence in our own abilities and perseverance. This is what separates the ones who overcome adversity with those who allow others and circumstances control their fate. 

The latter live their lives defensively, trying to prevent bad things from happening to them and their loved ones. The smarter strategy is to live life knowing that you can overcome the bad things and life's little hurdles that will eventually happen.

The key to overcome adversity is persistence.

Commitment is dedication. Persistence is the determination to see something through to the end, not quitting when obstacles appear or the going gets rough. U.S. President Calvin Coolidge wrote in a letter that "Persistence and Determination are omnipotent." His thinking was not far removed from Benjamin Franklin's advice that "Energy and persistence conquer all things."

Adds W. J. Davison, "The life that conquers is the life that moves with a steady resolution and persistence toward a predetermined goal. Those who succeed are those who have thoroughly learned the immense importance of plan in life, and the tragic brevity of time."  

We often read of successful people who faced times and situations where they wanted to give up, chuck it all in and move onto something else. Yet something kept them going ─ a persistence driven by either an internal flame of commitment or an external source of motivation.

Those who accomplish their goals understand that, in the words of William Arthur Ward, "Impossibilities crumble in the crucible of persistence; difficulties disappear under the power of persistence."  

Take some time this weekend to think of ways to book your personal resistance and persistence for the hurdles and challenges you face. We will have some more thoughts and tips on overcoming adversity this weekend, so please return to the Project You Life Blog over the next few days. 

This article is partially excerpted from our top-selling personal development book Project You: Living A Determined Life. It is available in Kindle and paperback formats on Amazon. 

Living A Principle Centered Life

Be Unflinching in Your Commitment to Your Principles 

Living A Determined Life means being totally committed to your principles and values. 

However, one of the most important things about personal principles is to understand that you cannot impose your values on others. 

For instance, suppose you place a high value on punctuality, but your partner does not. Any efforts you make to impose your value of punctuality on your partner will undoubtedly lead to numerous spats followed by many moments of anguish and despair.

When you make judgments of others based on your principles, friction ensues.

One aspect of emotional maturity is the ability to leverage your values with courage in your decisions and actions, combined with the ability to do so in consideration of the feelings and convictions of others. 

Another aspect of emotional maturity is the ability to understand how the values of others form a foundation for their own decisions and actions, even when these are not acceptable to you or are in direct opposition to your own views and convictions.

When you are emotionally mature you can have a great deal of ego strength, while maintaining respect and empathy for others.

Your principles require 100% commitment and dedication. They are not something to be pulled out of your wallet or purse and used to pay for your experiences in life like some kind of values credit card.

Be unflinching in your commitment to your principles. As Denis Waitley has written, "Moderation in temper is always a virtue. Moderation in principle is always a vice."

And lastly, by all means stick to your principles through hardships, turmoil, disappointments, heartaches, and in those moments when it seems like life would be easier if you just made a little compromise here or there. When it comes to your principles, there is no such thing as a "little" compromise.

In the words of Thomas Jefferson, "In matters of style, swim with the current; in matters of principle, stand like a rock."

 This article is partially excerpted from the top-selling personal development book Project You: Living A Determined Life. Get your copy today at Amazon in either Kindle or paperback format. 

Be Driven By Commitment

A Commitment is a Promise to Yourself 

Note the slight spelling difference between impossible and possible. Those two additional letters (i and m) are most often used together to represent "I am." It may sound silly, but simply changing one's thinking that impossible actually means I'm possible works. Such thinking changes "impossible tasks" into "I'm possible tasks." Again, it sounds silly, but it does work and may reinforce your commitment to tackle the hard tasks at hand.

Vince Lombardi, the famous American football coach whose name now adorns the Super Bowl Trophy, said, "The quality of a person's life is in direct proportion to their commitment to excellence regardless of their chosen field of endeavor." If you are a teacher, you should strive to be an excellent teacher. If you are a scientist, your aim should be to be an excellent one.

Steve Prefontaine, the American distance runner who held seven track records before his tragic death in a car accident at 24, said, "To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift." This applies equally to your life and your unique gift as it does to any sportsman on the playing field.

Adds George Halas, another famous American football coach, "Nobody who ever gave his best regretted it." Coach Lombardi, who was the opponent of Halas across the field for many years, used to say, "The harder you work, the harder it is to surrender." It is little wonder that their two teams used to have some ferocious game battles. They knew how to instill commitment in their players.

Work hard. Give your best. Don't sacrifice the gift you have been given. Strive for excellence. Don't do things halfheartedly. These coaches and athletes knew what commitment was all about.

If your goals are clearly articulated, and if you make an unconditional commitment to achieve your most important ambitions and dreams, then you will find yourself properly positioned to find the resources, power, energy, assistance, and a correct path to accomplish what you set out to do.

A solid commitment to yourself (and that's really what a commitment is  ─ a promise to one's self) will give you plenty of reasons to get out of bed in the morning, to practice your skill set, to work on important things rather than seemingly urgent tasks, and to take on new experiences en route to accomplishing your desires.

Remember, good habits are just as addictive as bad ones. If you ensure that your habits are centered on your commitment to your goals, you will attain these in a more timely manner.

After all, a person driven by commitment knows where they are going….and the whole world steps aside for the person who knows where they are going. 

This article is excerpted from the best-selling book Project You: Living A Determined Life, available at Amazon in Kindle and paperback formats. 

Commitment Implies Action. And Determination.

Determination is a Core Component of Commitment

Translating your intentions into choices and then moving your choices into action requires the power of commitment.

You can think of commitment as a contract between your spiritual side ─ the part of you that wants to grow and develop ─ with your mind and body. Your mind and body have to do the work to achieve the goals of your spiritual side (which explains everyone's conflict between having a desire for change and often lacking the commitment to change). You will feel the decisions of your spiritual side internally, in your heart and gut. Only you can decide who will win the battle between your heart and gut on one side, and your body and mind on the other.

When you make a firm commitment you dedicate yourself to a course of action in pursuit of your goals and desires, hopefully resulting in an expansion of your well being, self satisfaction and overall happiness.

You have to make a decision to act and then make a commitment to act. As Bertrand Russell wrote, "Nothing is so exhausting as indecision."

Commitment implies action. When you make a commitment to others, this pledge usually propels you to follow through and do what you promised. The same should be even truer for a commitment you make to yourself.

Andre Malraux, the French author, adventurer and statesman, is definitely on the mark with his comment that, "Often the difference between a successful person and a failure is not one has better abilities or ideas, but the courage that one has to be on one's ideas, to take a calculated risk ─ and to act."

How do you obtain the commitment to act? It comes from within, from the burning desire deep within yourself that produces a spark in you saying "I have to achieve this" or "I must accomplish this."

There is a huge difference between a "must have" or a "must do" and a "want." There are likely many things you want to do, but only a handful of things that grasp the inner core of your soul and your self-consciousness to produce a must do.

The things that you willingly practice in order to hone your skills and talents will usually fall into the must do category. Sometimes this willingness to practice will come naturally, through an internal flame of motivation. At other times, however, you will need to coerce yourself into action.

But, as Harry S Truman said, "In reading the lives of great men, I found that the first victory they won was over themselves ─ self-discipline with all of them came first."

Former baseball manager Tommy Lasorda noted that, "The difference between the impossible and the possible lies in a man's determination." Determination, of course, is a core component of commitment. 

This article is excerpted from the best-selling book Project You: Living A Determined Life, available in paperback and Kindle formats at Amazon. 

Commitment Means Commitment To Action

Learn Commitment From Michael Jordan 

One of the things that made Michael Jordan such a fierce competitor is evident from one of his most famous quotes: "I can accept failure, but I cannot accept not trying."

Part of what Jordan is talking about in that quote is having a commitment to commitment ─ the commitment to try, to act, to overcome hurdles and blips encountered on the way, to go after your goals and dreams no matter what.

Commitment is what transforms dreams, hopes, goals, and desires into reality.

Here's another quote from Jordan about commitment: "I have always believed that if you put in the work, the results will come. I don't do things half-heartedly because I know if I do, then I can expect half-hearted results."

This level of commitment means doing the daily things you need to do to accomplish your goals and bring your dreams to reality, even when you do not feel like it (perhaps especially when you don't feel like it).

The key is to keep your goals in mind and understand that your daily activities are a means to an end. 

For instance, if your goal is to build your upper body strength, you will need to lift weights three times a week. Now, lifting weights three times a week is not your goal (building your upper body strength is), but merely the steps required to achieve your goal. So on days you feel too tired to lift weights, you have to tell yourself "in order to achieve my goal I must do my weights workout" and "I am not too tired to pursue my goals." That is what Jordan means about putting in whole-hearted work.

Commitment requires a commitment to action. You cannot become a howling success merely by howling!

A New Year is upon us. Make a commitment to being committed and 2016 will be a year you long remember. 

This article is excerpted from the book Project You: Living A Determined Life, available in paperback and Kindle formats at Amazon. 

6 Steps for Making Change Last

Maintaining Momentum for Personal and Professional Change Development 

Worried or afraid that you might not be successful in making the personal or professional change you desire? 

That's understandable. But, of course, you won't know for sure until you have tried. 

Many changes take multiple efforts over time (we all know people who have "quit" smoking numerous times until they were finally able to quit for good). 

Belief in yourself and your capabilities, combined with a firm commitment (to yourself) will help get you under way.

Lastly, if you are still hesitant to initiate a change you truly believe you should take, the words of Chinese philosopher Lao-Tzu provide a strong warning of the dangers of not changing: "If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading."

Here are six steps for making change last: 

1. Be specific and precise about the change. "Losing weight" is neither specific nor precise. "Reducing weight by eight pounds in the next four weeks" is both. 
2. Do not take on too much. Making one substantial change at a time is significant enough. Aim for quality of change, not quantity.
3. Stretch yourself, but don't over do it. Don't settle for something too easy, but also don't push yourself for something that is unrealistically hard. Aim for something that is just outside your comfort zone. 
4. Eliminate temptations. Change can weaken your self control. It can also cause you to rationalize that since you are making improvements in one area it is okay to backslide in another. Until you have formed positive habits hide away and purposely avoid all temptations that might take you off track. 
5. Monitor your progress. Measure and track improvements (another reason your change goals should be precise and specific). Identify times when slippage occurs and see if a pattern is developing.
6. Reward yourself both for effort and for little victories. Didn't quite make it all the way to your goal by the assigned deadline? That's okay. If you came close, and you can honestly say you put in close to maximum effort, reward yourself with a little treat (hold the big treats until major accomplishments are achieved). 

When hesitant to make, or continue, personal and professional change, go back to the Change Benefits list we wrote about in the previous Project You Life Blog on Change Is Not Always Easy. If you haven't created your list, find 15 minutes today to do so. 

Once you find the courage and willingness to get started, the six steps above will help keep your personal or professional change project in full momentum. 

If you have any thoughts or ideas on additional steps to add to this list, please share them in the comments box below. We welcome your thoughts and ideas, especially on things that have worked for you. 

This article is partially excerpted from the book Project You: Living A Determined Life, available in paperback and Kindle formats at Amazon.