Overcoming Relationship Communications Breakdowns

If You Want to be Understood, First Show how Understanding You Can Be. 

Communication issues are frequently highlighted as a root cause of marital and relationship breakdowns. Often one partner accuses the other of not communicating. 

In fact, there is no such thing as not communicating. Even silence is a form of communicating. As is walking away.

All interpersonal communication has two components ── verbal and non-verbal. 

The words spoken are verbal. Everything else, including tone of voice, level of voice, gestures, body movements, facial expressions, and inflections comprise the non-verbal component. When the two are not in sync, the listener usually pays greater attention to (and assigns a higher value to) the non-verbal signals being received.

Partners in strong relationships accept that the other person's feelings are just as valid as their own. In troubled relationships at least one of the partners either does not hold this view or expresses it poorly. In destructive relationships neither partner holds the feelings of the other to be valid.

It is important to remember that there is no cause and effect relationship between what another person does or say and our feelings about such. Other people do not cause our feelings (though we often incorrectly assign blame for our feelings to others). 

Our feelings are not controlled or manipulated by anyone other than ourselves.

That's right. We have control over our feelings, even at times when this does not appear to be true. However we, and only we, can choose how to feel in response to any event, situation or utterance by another. These are our feelings, so we must take ownership and responsibility for them.

It is never correct to say "his action made me feel ­­­­________" or "her words caused me to feel ________." Rather, the correct phrases should be, "I chose to feel _______ because of what he did" and "I elected to feel _______ as my reaction to her words."

In any relationship (including workplace ones), but particularly in a married or de facto spousal relationship, we have a responsibility to communicate and respond to others in a non-violent and abusive-free manner. This is a joint responsibility of couples, and does not work as effectively if practiced by only one of the partners.

Far too much of the communication between partners and spouses is spent trying to get the other party to understand and accept what we want them to understand and accept. 

If you want to get through to your partner, you must first show that your partner can get through to you. 

In other words, if you want to be understood, first show how understanding you are. 

This article is partially excerpted from our top-ranked personal development book Project You: Living A Determined Life, which is available in Kindle and paperback formats at Amazon. 

Relationships Take Intimacy

14 Types of Intimacy to Build a Strong and Intimate Relationship 

Today it is far too easy, and acceptable, to quit a marriage when things start to go astray. Relationships are difficult, and marriages are often the height of difficulty.

Successful marriages focus on a range of shared intimacy between the partners. 

Not everything on the list below needs to be checked, and not each of these facets of intimacy is necessary for a marriage relationship to work. 

Nevertheless, this list is a pretty good starting point for couples (married or not) who want to build a solid interpersonal and intimate relationship, one which will help ensure they are able to keep their family unit together and functional:

Emotional intimacy: an ability to identify, tune into, and accept each other's emotional needs and range of emotional expressions.

Commitment intimacy: an equality of investment by both partners in the relationship based on trust and the manner in which each partner invests emotionally, mentally and spiritually in the relationship.

Experiential intimacy: sharing of relaxing, playful and enjoyable experiences, such as holidays, hobbies, sports, plays, concerts, events, and even exercise. Also the ability to share aesthetic pleasures such as art, culture, dance, music, and literature.

Intellectual intimacy: sharing ideas and thinking on major issues and topics of the day, plus an ability to share views openly and honestly with one another when opinions differ (combined, of course, with the willingness to accept that it is okay for the other partner to hold a differing view).

Communication intimacy: an ability to share openly and honestly on all levels about all things. More important is the ability to listen openly and fully to all communication from the other partner and to be completely engaged in all conversations.

Physical intimacy: sharing and exchanging physical closeness and connectedness through hugs, cuddling, touching, holding hands, etc.

Sexual intimacy: sharing sexual passions and desires without fear of rejection or harm, including a mutual willingness to experiment if mutually desirable.

Creative intimacy: sharing and participating together in creative activities, including home renovations, gardening, crafts, cooking, and other pursuits. Where one partner has no personal interest or involvement in a creative pursuit of the other, then the non-involved partner shares the other's passion through support, conversation, encouragement, and expressed interest.

Family intimacy: sharing bonding time together as a family unit, both at home and on holidays. Creating shared memories of family experiences that involve all members of the family unit, exclude non-family members, and center around common interests and doing things together.

Contribution intimacy: a shared interest in contributing and giving back to the local community, specific charities or causes. As above, when one partner has no personal passion for a particular cause or activity that interests the other, the non-involved partner supports, encourages and expresses interest in what their partner is doing and why.

Work intimacy: best when applicable to the professional pursuits of each partner (without the aspect of bringing work problems home, unless help and support is needed on these), but also applies to sharing (not splitting) of household chores and tasks such as shopping, cleaning, washing, and other regular or routine work.

Conflict intimacy: the ability to face, cope and even struggle together with differences and problems as they arise.

Crisis intimacy: the ability to face, cope and even struggle as a team when pain, injury, sickness, tragedies, and death strike.

Spiritual intimacy: the sharing of hopes, dreams, visions, overriding concerns, personal values, and spiritual values without fear of rejection.

Pick two of these types of intimacy and focus this week on how to improve them in your life and intimate relationship. Next week pick two more! 

In a month you will be well on your way to building an intimate and strong relationship. 

This article is partially excerpted from our top-ranked personal development book Project You: Living A Determined Life, which is available in Kindle and paperback formats at Amazon.