Showing posts with label understanding others. Show all posts
Showing posts with label understanding others. Show all posts

Sunday, March 5, 2017

Overcoming Relationship Communications Breakdowns

If You Want to be Understood, First Show how Understanding You Can Be. 

Communication issues are frequently highlighted as a root cause of marital and relationship breakdowns. Often one partner accuses the other of not communicating. 
In fact, there is no such thing as not communicating. Even silence is a form of communicating. As is walking away.
All interpersonal communication has two components ── verbal and non-verbal. 
The words spoken are verbal. Everything else, including tone of voice, level of voice, gestures, body movements, facial expressions, and inflections comprise the non-verbal component. When the two are not in sync, the listener usually pays greater attention to (and assigns a higher value to) the non-verbal signals being received.
Partners in strong relationships accept that the other person's feelings are just as valid as their own. In troubled relationships at least one of the partners either does not hold this view or expresses it poorly. In destructive relationships neither partner holds the feelings of the other to be valid.
It is important to remember that there is no cause and effect relationship between what another person does or say and our feelings about such. Other people do not cause our feelings (though we often incorrectly assign blame for our feelings to others). 
Our feelings are not controlled or manipulated by anyone other than ourselves.
That's right. We have control over our feelings, even at times when this does not appear to be true. However we, and only we, can choose how to feel in response to any event, situation or utterance by another. These are our feelings, so we must take ownership and responsibility for them.
It is never correct to say "his action made me feel ­­­­________" or "her words caused me to feel ________." Rather, the correct phrases should be, "I chose to feel _______ because of what he did" and "I elected to feel _______ as my reaction to her words."
In any relationship (including workplace ones), but particularly in a married or de facto spousal relationship, we have a responsibility to communicate and respond to others in a non-violent and abusive-free manner. This is a joint responsibility of couples, and does not work as effectively if practiced by only one of the partners.

Far too much of the communication between partners and spouses is spent trying to get the other party to understand and accept what we want them to understand and accept. 
If you want to get through to your partner, you must first show that your partner can get through to you. 
In other words, if you want to be understood, first show how understanding you are. 

This article is partially excerpted from our top-ranked personal development book Project You: Living A Determined Life, which is available in Kindle and paperback formats at Amazon. 

Friday, May 27, 2016

Personal Values Drive Decisions and Actions

Understanding Others Is Enhanced By Understanding Their Values 

Scientists believe there is a gap, or space, between stimulus and response. What occurs in this space affects your personal development and, eventually, your happiness. 
If what happens in this gap is molded, shaped and guided by your values, the resultant outcomes will be more in agreement and harmonious with your true self. Naturally, this will lead to greater self satisfaction and authentic happiness.
However, if you permit factors other than your own values to influence your decisions and actions, then the results are less likely to be congruent with who you really are, leading to disappointment, self doubt and dissatisfaction with yourself.
Be forewarned, however, that sometimes your values may lock you into a course of action that is detrimental to you, particularly over the short haul. When this happens, how it impacts you over the longer term will be determined by what you learn from the experience and how you evaluate the final outcome.
Also, sometimes you can experience a problem caused by conflicting values. When this occurs it is useful to have a ranked hierarchy of your values, so that you can utilize the most important one or give greater weight to the most cherished one when deciding what to do. 
Not all personal values are equal, and only you can decide which ones are the most important in your life. As famed science fiction write Isaac Asimov has advised, "Never let your sense of morals get in the way of doing what is right."
One key to understanding other people is to realize that their values drive their decisions and actions. You do not necessarily have to agree with their values, or with their actions and decisions. But simply knowing and understanding their personal values will make it easier for you to comprehend and figure out the basis for their actions and decisions.

This does not mean, however, that you have to share or even accept another person's values, only that understanding these will enable you to better understand their actions and decisions. 
As the Native American Indian proverb goes, "Never criticize a man until you've walked a mile in his moccasins." 

This article is excerpted from the best-selling personal development Project You: Living A Determined Life, available at Amazon in paperback and Kindle formats.