Creating Authentic Interpersonal Relationships

Authentic Values and Qualities Create True Friendships 

It is natural to want others to like us; to find us enchanting, likable, friendly, attractive, engaging, personable, worthwhile, approachable, and dozens of other positive descriptors. 

Except for those who dwell within the Self Actualization segment in the Maslow Hierarchy of Needs, everyone wants people to like them, even those who say they don't care what people think about them.

In fact, it is natural to care about what others think about you. It is also natural to have a desire to be respected, appreciated, loved, wanted, and viewed positively. Social scientists say that interactions with others are a vital component of our sense of self esteem, overall happiness, and even feelings of well being. 

Likewise, when we experience rejection, hear that someone has been bad mouthing us, or find out that someone does not like us our levels of self esteem, happiness and well being are negatively affected. It is not unusual for personal rejection to cause momentary bouts of deep pain, emotional outbursts and even intense sadness.

Being accepted by others is one of the key rungs on Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs pyramid. So to say that this is an important facet of our human journey is a bit of an understatement. 

Unfortunately, most of us put up false fronts and use a myriad of disguises in vain attempts to attract others to us, or for us to get invited into desired circles and groups. These attempts at trying to make others like us, even when it means sacrificing part of our persona or authenticity, is nothing more than a game of masks and false identities. It is also a futile endeavor, especially over the long haul of one's life journey.

It is probably due to the falsity of the approaches used by everyone playing this game that most non-family friendships and relationships throughout one's life are temporary and impermanent. Very few relationships and friendships can withstand the scrutiny of reality when the masks and false fronts are removed, and the true and authentic selves emerge over time. It is little wonder that the label "false friend" is readily applied when friendships and relationships end in acrimonious, bitter and spiteful fashion.

The secret to creating authentic relationships is to know, understand, respect, and love yourself. 

Once you are authentic with yourself, you can be authentic with others. Authentic people do not judge themselves or others, but rather seek authenticity in others and base their relationships on the type and level of authenticity found.

Being attractive to the kinds of people you want, desire, or need in your life means exuding your authenticity in every action taken (or not taken) and every word spoken (or not spoken).  

When others witness and experience your own authentic values and qualities, the ones you will attract into your life are more likely to be genuinely appreciative of your values and qualities. They are also more likely to be emotionally, mentally and spiritually in-tune with your emotional, mental and spiritual selves. 

This article is excerpted from our book Project You: Living A Determined Life, available at Amazon in Kindle and paperback formats. 

Being Happy vs. Happiness

You Have A Right To Determine Your Own Happiness 

There is a significant difference between being happy and authentic happiness, as discussed in the Project You Life blog earlier this month.

Being happy is akin to joy, pleasure, elation, delight and other short-term feelings. Such experiential feelings of being happy are like a drug. As soon as the effect of one happy incident wears off, you go in search of the next thing, person or event that will bring another temporary feeling of enjoyment, gratification or being happy.

For many people, the main cause of failure and unhappiness is trading what they truly and deeply want most (authentic happiness) for something that they want at a particular moment, in the hopes of gaining immediate pleasure or happiness. This is a sure recipe for trouble. As the Indian spiritual teacher Nisargadatta Maharaj said, "All search for happiness is misery and leads to more misery."

Happiness does not come from the outside world. Only you can make yourself happy ── through your reactions, thoughts and other feelings. In fact, it is often said that it takes the same amount of work and effort to make one's self happy as it does to be unhappy.

You have a right to determine your own happiness, and the best way to attain true happiness is to be yourself and live A Determined Life based on your values. If others do not like it, then let them be. Happiness is a choice. Life, especially A Determined Life, is not about pleasing everybody.

As Ralph Martson, writer and publisher of The Daily Motivator website, newsletter and associated products, said, "You don't need anyone else's permission to be happy. Your life is magnificent not because someone else says it is, but because you choose to see it as such." 

As we often say and write: true happiness comes from within and dwells in each of us.

Additionally, because you live in an interdependent world in an interconnected universe, authentic happiness is often attained by helping others or being deeply involved in something bigger than yourself. 

Hence, sometimes the best way to cheer yourself up is to cheer up somebody else. As the old adage goes, "When you see a person without a smile, give them one of yours."

The simple reality of life is that you cannot always be happy. Part of the human journey is to experience the sad parts of life: rejection, disappointment, love that flames out, pain, wishes that go unfulfilled, death, tragedy, conflict, remorse, etc.

However, through the living of A Determined Life, you can attain and maintain Authentic Happiness. 

This article has been partially excerpted from our top-selling book Project You: Living A Determined Life, available at Amazon in Kindle and paperback formats. 

Benefits Of Being A Life-Long Learner

Including Learning from the Lessons of Life 

There are some significant benefits to be gleaned from being a life-long learner, including:

·         Earning more money by enhancing your professional skills or learning new ones.

·         Becoming stronger emotionally as you augment your understanding of your drives, passions, emotions, and triggers.

·         Being more confident in groups and other social situation, for an increased knowledge base will help you become a more engaging and conversant person.

·         Maintaining the health of your brain which, like muscles, will atrophy if not exercised and used.

Another excellent method for learning is to travel, especially to other countries where you can see and engage with other cultures. Traveling provides many outstanding  opportunities to learn and expand your personal knowledge and horizons. In addition, there are numerous specific educational travel programs that combine formal learning with authentic experiences.

Life will also be one of your greatest teachers. Some things you can only learn through experience. For instance, how can you learn to overcome defeat if you never lose? Or how can you truly learn about the beauty and miracle of child birth if you never witness one? Through your life experiences you will also learn about love, what gives you joy, the pleasures of helping another, and the contentment of self satisfaction.

Of course, the lessons of life also include disappointment, sorrow, fear, confusion, frustration, anger, and loneliness. On the other hand, some of the greatest growth and learning you receive will come from such painful lessons.

Either way, good or painful, the lessons that come from living are an important part of your personal journey. 

Go through life not as a spectator or bystander, but as a fully engaged participant. The more you participate, the more life will teach you. 

Knowledge comes not from the events you experience, but from studying, thinking, pondering, and contemplating the how, what and why behind your experiences. 

This article is excerpted from our top-selling book Project You: Living A Determined Life, available in paperback and Kindle formats at Amazon. 

Be A Life-Long Learner

Learning To Think For Yourself 

There are three ways we learn ── kinetically (touch and feel), visually (through the eyes) and orally (hearing). 

Each of us has specific preferences and strengths for learning. For instance, some have a better capacity to learn and remember something they read over something they hear. Others learn best kinetically through doing and experiencing. And some learn best simply by watching others perform.

With the advent of the Internet, we all now have access to a vast store of information. And thanks to Google and other search engines, it is also easy to locate facts, figures and basic information on just about any subject or topic.

However, facts, figures and basic information are not knowledge. Knowledge comes from thinking about the implications and possibilities of these facts, figures and pieces of information. Knowledge and learning come from contemplation, analysis and the internalization of the data at hand. This is what makes learning how to learn so important.

It is also why reading books is so important. You need to read what others have thought in order to form your own judgments, opinions and beliefs. You won't get this from Google or lazy Internet searches for facts, data and information. You must dive into books. 

Good authors help put information into context and will help you put information into the context of your own life. As Stephen R. Covey wrote, "An educated conscience impacts every aspect of our lives."

The desire for life-long learning is not sated only by books. Magazines, newsletters, blogs, documentaries, and even some websites are all reservoirs of immense information and  the occasional pearl of wisdom. 

All of these resources will help you learn how to think for yourself, an important skill for those on a Project You Life Journey. 

As Oscar Wilde said, "A man who does not think for himself does not think at all." 

This article is excerpted from our top-selling personal development book Project You: Living A Determined Life, available at Amazon in paperback and Kindle formats. 

Being An Authentic You

Revel in the freedom to be yourself by Living A Determined Life. 

Some people try to impress, through fancy titles, clothes, cars, lifestyles, social standing, and other overt displays of perceived success. Sadly, many seek happiness and acceptance this way. Unfortunately, they do not see that they are giving up the freedom to truly be themselves in exchange for these so-called status symbols.

However, those for whom such symbols have little meaning are free from the need to covet and crave them. While they care, to a lesser degree, how other people perceive them, the only standards that matter and concern them are the ones they set themselves. The primary (and sometimes solely) source of acceptance they seek is the one from themselves. They find value in themselves, not from being accepted by others.

As such, these people truly know how it feels to have the freedom to be themselves. And that is a freedom to which you are entitled, no matter what your station or situation in life happens to be.

You have the universal right and freedom to be you. You have the universal right to be free from feeling that you have to please other people or conform to the standards and dictates of others. You are free to be you and to ignore the expectations of others that do not feel right to you.

As the lovable Dr. Seuss penned, "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."  

After all, at the end of your journey, you don't want to be asking yourself, "Why wasn't I more like me? How did I get off track from being me?"

Real success in life comes from being true to yourself. If you listen carefully, your spirit will be the one guiding you best on this journey and keeping you on track. That feeling in your gut and that soft, shallow voice in your head telling you that you are not being yourself is your spirit communicating with you.

Being you is a challenging and rewarding undertaking, but nobody can perform the job as well as you. Our blog posts over the next week will provide you some additional ideas and guideposts on how to carry out the job of being you. 

For more great quotes on how to live a determined life, see our book Project You: Words of Wisdom, at Amazon.

Free To Be You

Be Yourself. All Others Are Already Taken. 

The easiest thing in the world is to be yourself. But sometimes the hardest thing in the world is to be yourself.

Why the apparent contradiction?

Because throughout your life many people will be pushing and pulling you to be something else, something they want you to be. But you do not want to conform to other people's desires and standards. You want to be true to yourself.

"To be nobody but yourself in a world that is doing its best day and night into making you like everybody else," said poet E. E. Cummings, "is to fight the hardest battle there is and never stop fighting."

Or, as Oscar Wilde said, "Be yourself. Everyone else is already taken." 

Only you get to decide what you will do, when you will do it, and how much effort you will put into it. Only you get to decide what is of importance to you. Only you set your own standards, morals, principles, and values.

Sure, others will try to exert influence on many aspects of your life and your character. Such influence, however, is not decision-making authority. At the end of the day, all decisions about you, your future and your path are yours and yours only.

The greater the depth of your own self understanding, the greater will be your control and confidence in the decisions you make about yourself and your future. There is no need to please anyone else, much less everyone else, and thus you need not try. 

You are free to be you. It's what we call Living A Determined Life.

This article is excerpted from our top-selling personal development book Project You: Living A Determined Life, available in Kindle and paperback formats at Amazon. 

The Road Map to Authentic Happiness

Compassion, Kindness and Giving Are the Keys to True Happiness 

There is a lot of truth in the old proverb "it is better to give than to receive." 

Perhaps receiving is surface and transient happiness, while giving is deeper and more permanent happiness. After all, anyone who shares, smiles and gives hugs receives a greater happiness through giving than their recipients. 

As the Chinese proverb says, "A bit of perfume always clings to the hand that gives the rose."

You have, no doubt, been exposed to the pithy saying "money cannot buy happiness." As the theologian William Barclay wrote, "The one thing that all men need to learn about joy is that joy has nothing to do with material things, or with a man's outward circumstances. It is the simple fact of human experience that a man living in the lap of luxury can be wretched, and a man in the depths of poverty can overflow with joy." Substitute the word "happiness" for the word "joy" and Barclay's words are equally resolute.

Since happiness is truly self generated, it is simply a waste of time and effort to try and make other people happy. This is not to say you should not do things for other people that gives them momentary pleasures and happy memories. Far from it. Rather, it is usually not worth the effort to try and change a truly unhappy person into a happy one. This is something which only they can do.

You are never responsible for their unhappiness, nor should you ever shoulder the guilt for another person's unhappiness. If they want to go through a period of their life being unhappy with their circumstances and all that befalls them, you have no choice but to let them do so (painful as this is when it happens to a loved one).

Remember, only those who search within will find the root causes of their happiness. Likewise, only those who search within will discover the underlying causes of their unhappiness. Your role in such situations is to help people look within themselves, but you cannot do this for them.

The best approach in dealing with chronic or constant unhappiness is with compassion. In fact, as The Dalai Lama says, "If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion."

Don't worry. (Be happy!) This is not to suggest that you should not enjoy the pleasures and happy moments that life brings. Nor is this a suggestion that you should never give joy, happiness and pleasures to others. You simply need to be aware that these temporary enjoyments are not the ultimate happiness you (or they) want to experience.

Also, this is not to say that you should never offer comfort or support to other people. In fact, it is the opposite. Through kindness and providing comfort to others you are more likely to discover the deep-seated happiness within you.

How you seek out your own happiness will be, naturally, up to you. 

There is really no road map anyone can provide you, though living the principles of a Project You Life Journey will be a good start. This journey will help you discover the true happiness that dwells within you.

This article is excerpted from the top-selling personal development book Project You: Living A Determined Life, available at Amazon in paperback ($7.89) and Kindle ($6.88) formats.