Respecting Yourself

Life is more pleasant when you respect yourself and others. 

Now, a word of caution about Self Respect! 

This is not a self-hype, temporary motivational exercise. 

Yes, there is a role for motivational affirmations that temporarily build short-term bursts of self belief (especially in sports and other performance or competitive activities). We have all witnessed underdogs will themselves to victories in countless movies and sporting events.

Rather, this is a long-haul journey requiring the patience and compassion described by Shakti Gawain in our previous post More Thoughts on Self Respect. 

It also requires complete and honest truth with one's self. We all have strengths and limitations. No one is perfect. You have to be honest with yourself about your imperfections.

"Above all," as Fyodor Mikhailovich Dostoyevsky said, "do not lie to yourself. The man who lies to himself and listens to his own lies comes to such a pass that he cannot distinguish the truth within him, around him, and so loses all respect for himself and others."

You will know when you are lying to yourself and trying to rationalize some course of action that your conscience is advising against. Follow your conscience and you will wake up each morning with a greater amount of respect for yourself. Disobey your conscience and the seeds of regret and self disenchantment begin to sprout. As William Penn wrote, "Only trust thyself and another shall not betray thee."

You also need to respect yourself enough to walk away from anything ─ or anyone ─ that no longer renews you, helps you grow or makes you happy. Of course, this is not to suggest that you run away from your responsibilities (particularly parental ones) or your relationships simply because you are unhappy or not feeling any growth. In fact, personal growth will come from how you work your way through such situations.

On the other hand, as Zig Ziglar points out, "Life is too short to spend your precious time trying to convince a person who wants to live in gloom and doom otherwise. Give lifting that person your best show but don't hang around long enough for his or her bad attitude to pull you down. Instead, surround yourself with optimistic people."

Respecting yourself also includes limiting the amount of damage you do to your body through over eating, alcohol, drugs, and your sleeping patterns.

Respect is not something that you turn on and off like a water tap. It should gush from you at all times, toward all people, living creatures, the environment, property, and things in general.

Yes, you will occasionally come across people whose actions do not warrant respect. In such situations it is best to recall Johann Wolfgang von Goethe's words above to treat such people "as if they were what they ought to be." In doing so, perhaps you might just help them overcome whatever obstacles and hurdles they face and be a factor in them becoming what they ought to be.

Even if your own respectful actions do not seem to have any impact on them, at least you will be left with a positive, respectful feeling toward yourself. 

Such a feeling makes it easier to walk away from idiots and those with self-proclaimed authority while maintaining peace with yourself instead of being angry with them and the world.

Just add a little bit of respect into each of your encounters with others, and life will become a whole lot more pleasant and rewarding. 

This article is excerpted from the top-selling personal and professional development book Project You: Living A Determined Life, available at Amazon in paperback ($7.90) and Kindle ($6.88) formats. 

More Thoughts on Self Respect

The most important venture you will ever build will be YOU. 

For many of us, gaining ─ and maintaining ─ self respect is often the most arduous part of the ProjectYou Life Journey. It takes time, patience and commitment. It takes a willingness to test self imposed boundaries. It takes the mental energy required to frequently pause and have reflective conversations with one's self.

And, of course, it takes the ability to love all mankind as well as yourself. 

As the writer Joan Didion penned, "To have that sense of one's intrinsic worth which constitutes self-respect is potentially to have everything."

When these words from Shakti Gawain ring true for you, you will know that you are on the right path to self respect:

"I am learning to be patient and compassionate with myself as I gain the courage to be true to myself."

It is far more important to be true to yourself than to seek acceptance and confirmation from others. 

The same goes for respect. As Steven H. Coogler writes, "Seek respect mainly from thyself, for it comes first from within."

One of the ironies about respect and self respect was identified centuries ago by the Chinese philosopher Lao-Tzu: "When you are content to be simply yourself and don't compare or compete, everybody will respect you."

Your continued personal development comes through the continuous process of building and maintaining high levels of self esteem and self respect. By changing the way you think about yourself, and by changing the internal verbal dialogues you have with yourself, you change your attitude, belief in self and your own abilities, the convictions you hold, and your energy levels.

All from simply how you think about and feel about you! 

And, as Lydia M. Child emphasizes, "Belief in oneself is one of the most important bricks in building any successful venture." (The most important venture you ever build will be you.) 

This article is excerpted from the top-selling personal and professional development book Project You: Living A Determined Life, available at Amazon in paperback ($7.90) and Kindle ($6.88) formats. 

Deeper Self Understanding -- Part One

The key to self understanding is to be open and honest with yourself. 

In the previous Project You Life Blog post on Self Understanding (Part Two), we shared with you that self understanding will help you become and remain authentic. And, of course, you want to be authentic. 

Of course, you cannot be authentic if you do not know who you truly are. That is where self understanding comes in. Self reflection is the best school you will ever attend, and it is best that you become a lifetime student enrolled in this school.

Howard Gardner, a psychologist at the Harvard School of Education, differentiated between two types of personal intelligence:

interpersonal intelligence ── being the ability to understand other people and what motivates them, and

intrapersonal intelligence ── being an inward capacity to form an accurate, genuine and truthful model of one's self.

Gardner described the core interpersonal intelligence as the "capacities to discern and respond appropriately to the moods, temperaments, motivations, and desires of other people." He depicted intrapersonal intelligence as the key to self-knowledge with "access to one's own feelings and the ability to discriminate among them and draw upon them to guide behavior."

The key to true self understanding is to be open and honest during your reflective dialogues with yourself.

It is also important to tune out what others say about you. As the Trappist Monk Thomas Merton wrote in his book No Man Is an Island, "Others can give you a name or number, but they can never tell you who you really are. That is something you yourself can only discover from within."

Also, do not get caught up in thinking your job title, your possessions or anything else you associate with are the real you. In the words of Eckhart Tolle:

The most common ego identifications have to do with possessions, the work you do, social status and recognition, knowledge and education, physical appearance, special abilities, relationships, personal and family history, belief systems, and often political, nationalistic, racial, religious and other collective identifications.

None of these are you.

Understanding the true motivations behind your thoughts and actions will place you in a better position to do what is right (for yourself as well as for others) when confronted with options and alternatives.

Likewise, realize that material wealth and creature comforts will not define who you truly are. Nor will they determine who your children truly are. Yes, a comfortable childhood usually leads to a more comfortable life as an adult. No one is arguing that there is a need to live in abject poverty to "find one's true self." On the other hand, as Andrew Carnegie said, "He who dies with wealth dies with shame."

To determine if what you are doing is in line with your values, ask yourself "why" are you doing it? Why are you starting that new business venture or creating that new product? To make money? Fine. But is that what you truly value? Or is it to make a difference in people's lives? The latter resonates much more strongly for most, as it is in line with their true values. 

This article is excerpted from the Amazon top-selling personal development book Project You: Living A Determined Life, available in Kindle and paperback formats. 

Define Yourself | Know Thyself

Living A Determined Life Starts with Self Awareness and Self Understanding

Know thyself. 

Those words, inscribed in gold letters on the temple of Apollo at Delphi, are probably the most important two-word phrase ever chiseled or written.

Know thyself is a process comprising two critical elements: self awareness and self understanding.

This two-part process is a critical and decisive first step on the Project You Life Journey. Without it, the journey will not only be bumpier and off-centered, but will also feel unnatural, contrived and artificial.

Self awareness is a heightened sense of continuous attention to one's feelings, emotions and thoughts. Self understanding is being aware of your thoughts about your feelings, emotions and beliefs and mindful of the impact these are having on your contemplated, intended or actual actions. When combined and integrated, these elements lead to self definition.

As American actor and playwright Harvey Fierstein wrote, it is critical to "accept no one's definition of your life, but define yourself." 

This article is excerpted from our Amazon best-selling book Project You: Living A Determined Life, available in paperback and Kindle formats. 

Self Awareness | Knowing Yourself

Take Time to Pause and Know Who You Truly Are 

Self awareness is not about looking deeply within your internal chamber of secrets and hidden motivations trying to discover "your true self." It's quite the opposite, when done properly.

It should be an open, honest, candid, and on-going self observation of what drives you to take the actions you take, to think the thoughts you think and to feel the emotions that bubble up inside you.

Confucius described the process as: "By three methods we learn wisdom: first by reflection, which is noblest; second by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest."

People with high levels of self awareness have a clear and definite grasp of their own strengths and weaknesses, as well as an elevated sensitivity to observe what motivates, de-motivates, satisfies, delights, annoys, and angers them.

With a solid sense of self awareness, you multiply your predisposition to go after the opportunities that are right for you (by leveraging your strengths, values and inner motivational tactics) and minimize your chances of pursuing activities that are likely to have unsatisfying or potentially harmful results.

There are four parts to the self:  mind, body, heart, and soul (alternatively referred to as mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual).

Your mind never stops racing; never stops talking to you. There are times, of course, when a quiet mind would be an absolute blessing. Unfortunately, unless you excel at meditation this is not to be.

The mind and spirit are in constant battle for your body (and hence for what you probably think of as yourself). The mind tries to "talk" you into doing things with what appear to be "rational arguments." The spirit counteracts with "gut feelings" or emotional outbursts in an attempt to get its way. Neither is always right or wrong.

When you can see yourself as if watching a reality movie of yourself (i.e. not in a dream, but as if removed from your body), this is the perspective of the spirit. As Sri Ramana Maharshi said, "The mind turned inwards is the Self; turned outwards it becomes the ego and all the world."

Very few people seem to pause and consider who they truly are, or could be. Most seem too concerned with projecting a picture of themselves to the world around them, and then working hard to maintain this concocted (and sometimes contrived) image.

Years ago St. Augustine wrote, "People travel to wonder at the height of mountains, at the huge waves of the sea, at the long courses of rivers, at the vast compass of the ocean, at the circular motion of the stars; and they pass by themselves without wondering." 

This is undoubtedly more true today than it was in his time some 16 centuries ago. And if it is true for you, it need not be any longer. The Project You Life Journey will help you to stop passing yourself by.

This article is excerpted from the top-selling book Project You: Living A Determined Life, available at Amazon in Kindle and paperback formats.